im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
