I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
