Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We left the knife in your bed.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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