He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
