Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
