In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
