i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
