I'm so fucking centered right now
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
