I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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