I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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