News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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