I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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