New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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