How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
