I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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