My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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