yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
