I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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