Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
