My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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