Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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