So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
