Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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