Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
