I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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