so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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