i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
They are going to name an STD after you.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
