Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
