It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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