Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
did i just pee glitter
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
