Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
