Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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