she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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