how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
