i just sent this text using only my big toe
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
