I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
