You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
