I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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