She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
