Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
