the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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