Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
