We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
