This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
