Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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