I hate all girls vehemently.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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