My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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