take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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