I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
