why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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