I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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